Sainthood upon the Whitiest
Whitey that ever was White.
Curtis Montague Schilling.
Just when I thought I couldn't hate anyone more
than I hate Curt Schilling I found out that his middle
name is Montague. This was just another timber
upon the pyre of my burning loathing for this self
reverential, giant, puckered a-hole that I shall now
also refer to as "His Holiness", or "Double H" for
short.
I am not referring to any divine aspect of Curt when
I do this, rather, I am instead referring to the "Hole"
in the center of his face that he never closes.
The First Miracle - The Never Shutting Up
It is the unceasing flapping of this aperture that is in
fact the first of three miracles needed for Double
H's beatification. That huge maw of a pie hole may
in fact be hinged so that it never actually shuts at
all. Kind of like a pit bull in reverse. A team of
scientists has been studying this phenomena for
several years now under a grant from the Why
Doesn't He Just Shut Up Foundation.
The Second Miracle - The Numerology
A shilling is a unit of currency that was once (in
1845) equal to 12.5 American cents or one bit.
There is a famous rhythm measure known as
"Shave and a haircut, six bits" immortalized by BB
King.
There are six Schillings living under the Schilling
roof.
The four Schilling children's names start with the
letter "G".
Four shillings equal 50 cents.
The rap musician, 50 Cent, is a member of G-Unit.
There are 8 bits to a dollar
There are eight letters in Montague.
Dost thou not hear the beating of angels wings?
The Third Miracle - Curt's Approval of
Shonda's Pointless Existence
Shonda Schilling did nothing significant her "hole"
life but sit her pale white ass in the frying Arizona
sun and wait for Curt to come home and lay on top
of her.
For some unknown reason, she developed skin
cancer after lying in the sun like a Whopper under a
heat lamp for 20 years.
Why her?
Why?
This is just another affliction suffered by the
unfortunate rich white people in America. Now,
Shonda has taken the only challenging thing that
ever happened to her and turned it into a self
serving vehicle that lauds her accomplishments in
tanning. It is called the Shade Foundation. The
purpose of the Shade Foundation (other than
giving Shonda something to do now that her career
in tanning is over) is to raise awareness about the
dangers of sun exposure. Apparently Shonda was
so busy tanning the last 20 years or so that she
was not aware that a huge multi-billion dollar
industry of sun protection products already exists.
Both Helen Keller and the lost tribe of New Guinea
knew that excessive sun exposure poised a health
risk, but somehow Shonda was never informed.
This was probably the fault of the Liberal Media.
In Summation
His Hole-iness, has shone like a streaking meteor of
pure whiteness as he anoints all of those within ear
shot of his weak, whiny, metro-sexual voice of
misinformation.
As he stands and delivers his sermon on the
mound, judging all and finding each of us lacking in
the special knowledge that he and only he alone is
privy to, we pray to someday be worthy of his vapid
insights on all things of both this earthly coil and
heaven (or Arizona, which ever comes first).
It is my hope that my plea for Sainthood not fall on
deaf ears for surely he is worth of much, much more.
As Curt himself once mused "Let's see Mother
Theresa win 20 games."
